Baby, Baby, it's a Wild World

I spent this weekend at Lake Lure to celebrate the wedding of my college roommate.  Since Lake Lure was the home of Dirty Dancing, we shook our stuff to nearly every song on the soundtrack at the reception.  But we also danced to musicians that we loved in college like PJ Harvey, Cat Stevens, and Nine Inch Nails. 

Jumping up and down with the bride made me feel like we were twenty-one again.  I thought back to all the nights we spent at the kitchen table in our tiny apartment drinking cheap Sangria and talking about men and relationships.  I’m glad that life doesn’t allow for crystal balls, but if I could go back and slip myself some wisdom, here are the things I wish I could tell college Brooke:

Revel in the little moments and appreciate their particular magic for what it is.  If you had a great time at a house party holed up in the corner talking to the bearded man in the Fedora, fabulous.  Please do recount every detail to your mom about his love for Faulker if it makes you giddy.  Just don’t agonize over whether he’ll ever call you.  That’s a waste of precious energy you could spend with your tried and true literary loves that patiently pine for you from your book shelf.

Your value isn’t contingent in their approval.  Maybe you toiled over making the perfect dinner for your third date and it went mostly untouched on their plate.  Maybe when you took a guy to watch a meteor shower on top of a mountain they were wishing for a woman that wasn’t you.  Maybe they were weirded out that you left a poem in their car.  It doesn’t matter.  Eventually you’ll find a man that will support you at poetry slams, chow down on your Pinterest baking adventures and be amused by your odd date ideas.  The people you meet along the way are all just a part of the journey.  Hopefully you’ll have some fun while you’re figuring that out and use whatever inevitable heartbreak that occurs in a way that’s productive. 

Don’t be petty about the magic other women possess. In college, there was a blonde photographer in my residence hall that was put together in a way that seemed simultaneously disheveled and immaculate.  Her name was Anna.  The boys in our poetry workshop always seemed to be either drinking in her aura, her lithe figure, or reeling at the power tucked inside her pen.  She’s the only woman I’ve ever called the “c” word.  I was petty because I was intimidated by Anna’s confidence and poise.  Almost a decade later, she published one of my poems on a website she produced.  Anna’s still moving and shaking in ways that would make a younger, less secure me envious—but now I’m finally able to appreciate her for the powerhouse she is. While she is out backpacking in Colorado, I’m executing my own mischief.  Her ability to do great things does not diminish my ability to do the same.  This is a lesson that is difficult for a lot of women, but once we get over it, we can do so many more great things as a team.

Know that other women will sometimes treat you the way you treated Anna.  If you don’t deserve someone’s harsh words or unfair judgement, don’t take it personally.  Be classy.  Keep moving forward. 

Cherish your close female friends.  Ashlee and I have a lot of good memories.  We painted goddesses on a picnic table that we used to eat from in the kitchen.  We drove to Tennessee so that she could break in her new camera with pictures of places she had never seen.  She taught me how to make the perfect home fries, showed me how to contra dance, and introduced me to folk artists like Greg Brown.  As I grow older and my friends are busy with work and other adult obligations, it feels like the opportunities for those female adventures grow smaller.  It makes me understand how important it is to prioritize time for those things—especially now that the women I love the most are geographically farther away.  It shouldn’t take something like a wedding for me to make time to make new memories.

Indulge in things that feed your spirit.  Stay up for more late night conversations. Laugh more. Dance more. Kiss more.  But use more discernment about who you give your inner resources to and how you share them.

Lastly, remember that time is the most valuable gift you can give someone.  Eventually, our time runs out.  Make it worth it.

Bridal Bargain Hunting

If you are anything like I am, you likely appreciate the power of a coupon when keeping your wedding planning within budget.  There are plenty of ways to incorporate traditional coupons, Groupons, and an old-fashioned discount shopping into your planning that aren’t very time consuming.  A few examples that have jumped out at me early in the planning process are below.  I hope this is helpful. 

Since I recognize not everyone is wedding planning, let’s start with a pro tip for those just attending a lot of weddings this year: Almost everyone I know getting married in the foreseeable future has a Bed, Bath and Beyond registry.  BB&B accepts expired coupons, so instead of tossing their junk mail in the trash, stockpile those bad boys.  They’ll come in handy the next time you find yourself wandering in to purchase someone a knife block or a crystal vase.  (Save more money by shopping in person as opposed to online.  Online orders over $49 instantly get free shipping, but if you apply the online code for 20% off, depending on your gift's price point, that could cancel out the shipping deal.  The weight of your purchase will likely result in you paying more than you would have without the 20% off deal if you are getting heavy items, such as bedding and kitchenware sets.)

Stationary: Groupon regularly has deals on companies that create wedding stationary.  We got a great Groupon deal for EverMine invitations.  (Hint: If a deal can only be purchased once but doesn’t afford you enough invitations, your partner can create their own Groupon account and get the same deal.  That doesn’t break terms and conditions.)  Vistaprint may not be as fun to browse as websites like Wedding Paper Divas, but their Save the Date postcards can be every bit as beautiful and a lot more economical if you have nice photos to set as your background.  We lucked out and found them on Groupon, as well.  Start looking early because these deals seem to cycle in and out of availability.

If you are more sustainable, websites like The Knot can collect your guest RSVPs online for free and do not require you to pay for response cards or the stamps that go on them.  We considered this, but we thought it might not be a friendly option to the older guests in our crowd.

General retail: If you are going to shop for anything wedding related in person, regardless of whether it’s crafty things for your centerpiece or shoes that match your dress, do not go into a store without checking for online coupons on your smart phone.  Retail Me Not is typically first website that will come up.  For a good number of major retailers, it will populate a list of coupons that are good during that particular time.  Just be careful—some of them are codes for online use only.

Photo prints, gifts and guestbooks: If you create a Shutterfly account, they will regularly send you emails.  I’m generally opposed to this, but I’ve only had an account for a few months and I’ve already racked up on several deals that only required me to pay minimal shipping and handling. These have included things that could easily be incorporated into cute little gifts for wedding party members to say “thank you” along the way, such as photo magnets and customized stationary sets. In terms of bigger items, I’ve had several emails about free photo books, which can be used as guest books or used to show off those engagement photos.  While we’re on the subject, Shutterfly (and most of their competitors) will allow you a certain number of free photo prints after you sign up, which can be used to print some of those engagement pictures for your future home together or as a sweet present for your families.

Regular Sales: When my sister got married, part of my bridesmaid’s gift was a bottle of perfume from Victoria’s Secret that I used until it was gone.  As a bride-to-be that’s budget savvy and planning my own wedding party gifts, this made me remember that Victoria’s Secret, Bath and Body Works, and other stores have semi-annual sales where it would be easy to stock up on those kinds of items in advance for just a portion of their regular prices.  I’m not saying you should skimp on your wedding party.  They certainly deserve the pampering after putting in the work to help make your day memorable.  You just don't have to go broke doing it.  Even if someone doesn't like the spa at home thing, pretty much everyone likes to smell good.  

Bonus points for other educators in the house: A good number of major retailers have an educator discount, so when you’re shopping, make sure you ask!  Some stores with such discounts that could help you with wedding related items include Michael's craft store (decorations) and J Crew (wedding dresses).

If you’re curious about why I dropped J Crew in for dresses, a colleague of mine wore a white dress from J Crew for her elopement and was absolutely stunning.  I’ve been surprised by the major clothing retailers that have wedding lines—including Target, which has some gorgeous options for bridesmaid’s dresses under the Tevolio brand that won’t break the bank.

It’s the smaller things that are easier to bargain hunt.  Larger ticket items, such as your caterers, are a whole other ballpark.  If you are a reader that has tips, let me know—I’ll pay it forward by sharing them.

Engagement Excitement and Tips for Wedding Planning Sanity

I’ve been a negligent blogger.  Days after creating this site, my partner in crime proposed that we do life together.  Planning a wedding quickly became a time intensive priority.  Now that a good hunk of that has been taken care of, I’m back to our regularly scheduled programming and am excited to share some things that I think might make your life easier if you find yourself in the same boat.  After the Supreme Court decision last week made same-sex marriage legal nation-wide, I imagine those numbers will be jumping up—and I’m excited to celebrate that, too.

The good news: Engagement is a time to celebrate your love with all of those in your life that have helped support it and see it grow.  From the first phone call to tell your family or friends to the walk down the aisle, the memories you’ll make both with your partner and your larger support system are overwhelming in the best possible way.  You’ll grow closer to your partner and learn more about them on a wholly different level than you have before, because planning for a lifetime requires honesty and vulnerability.  You have an excuse to do things that normally might seem indulgent—like sample cake from every bakery in a drivable radius if you so choose and take an obnoxious amount of pictures where you do the sappy things you might normally tease other people for doing on Facebook.  During the engagement period, you get a free pass.  This is also a time to further explore who you are and what that means for your partnership.  If you live alone, this is likely the last time you’ll have this much space and time flying solo.  As an independent woman and an introvert, I’m using that opportunity to wrap my head around what I need to maintain in terms of autonomy while still learning to love selflessly.

The bad news: Because people want to support you and often do so by way of offering advice, people will project their own experiences and expectations onto you not realizing that the “one size fits all” mentality doesn’t work with things like weddings and marriage.  It’s often with good intention, but sometimes you have to learn what to take to heart and what to toss to the side.  Society at large also has a way of looming large over plans.  I think if you’re at all familiar with women’s television programming, Pinterest, or The Knot, you’ll likely know what I mean.  Those expectations can drain both your emotional resources and your bank account if you let them.  More on fighting that later.

My unsolicited advice for maintaining sanity, by way of anecdotes (take what you need, leave the rest):

Think about what grounds your union and share that with attendees.  If it’s spirituality, make sure that’s reflected in your ceremony.  If it’s something else, emphasize what that something is for you.  Mr. Banned-to-Be and I are from different faith traditions that both fall under the banner of Christianity and decided together to have a Catholic ceremony.  While I’m not Catholic, there are some things about our ceremony that we have still been able to really bond over.  For us, one of those things was the Prayers of the Faithful.  We chose to write a prayer that focuses on things we both believe in deeply—including hopes for a more equitable education system for our youth and improved race relations in our country via all of us learning to better love our neighbors of all identities.  A friend of mine that met her partner while studying environmental sociology recently had a ceremony where an emphasis on sustainability was weaved throughout from their diamond-free rings to the plants given as wedding gifts.  Your wedding is about your partnership, but your partnership is made up of the things you and your partner hold to be true and meaningful.

Cut costs by choosing not to spend money on the traditions that don't resonate with you.  Flowers are beautiful, but I prefer to see them outside instead of on my table.  As such, my bridesmaids and I aren’t carrying bouquets.  I’ll be carrying a book of poems I already had instead, playing off of the tradition of carrying prayer books or a Bible.  That’s easily hundreds of dollars chopped off the top.  If something doesn’t speak to you, don’t let your wallet yell at you because of it. Replace traditions that don’t feel right to you with things that you’ll remember later.

What is sacred to you is just business to someone else.  People have found ways to monetize your romance.  People you’ve never met will fill your head with grandiose ideas about your attire, fondue fountains, or whatever else it is that they may be selling that will distract from what's important.  It’s okay for you to shut them down at the pass.  At David’s Bridal, when my consultant began by trying to tell me about how brides could open up a credit line, I told her very firmly, “I appreciate you doing your job and telling me what you’ve been asked to tell me, but I do not wish to hear more because I will not be pursuing that as an option. I want to stick to something within a set budget.  As such, please do not show me any dresses over $x.00 amount of money.”  I have found that people will generally work with you and will tell you up front if you can’t, saving you the time and energy.  The same thing applies to friends and family. If you need shopping partners, give them a run down on what you will consider in advance and what your vision is so that they are on the same page.

Repurpose what you already have.  Mr. Banned-to-Be and I enjoy visiting wineries and learning more about different grapes and regions.  As such, we regularly find ourselves in possession of wine bottles and wine corks.  I’m using those to create our centerpieces and will only have to buy a few things to finish pulling off the look.

An open mind will save you money.  If you are wedded to the idea of things being just a certain way, pun intended, there’s less possibility to pench pennies.  (Not to imply that there’s anything bad about knowing what you want!)  I went to multiple bridal stores to find my wedding dress, which was fun until it was frustrating.  While running errands at the mall, I happened to pass a prom/evening gown store that was having a liquidation sale.  There was a white dress in the window.  It wasn’t my style, but it made me wonder if there was anything inside worth looking at.  Low and behold, I locked eyes across the room with the dress I’ll be wearing down the aisle.  It isn’t a conventional wedding dress, but it’s elegant and it fits my personality in a way that other dresses did not.  Bonus—it was also a lot less expensive.  Something similar happened with our wine.  While at a grocery store, we picked up a bottle of a wine we enjoy for an upcoming beach trip on a whim.  At the register, it rang up for only $3.00—less than half the regular cost of the wine.  We had the same thought—let’s go ransack the shelf for every bottle that they have. There was only enough for a little over a case because they had decided to not to carry the company anymore, but that was a case we didn’t have to worry about paying for full price later on. 

If you have any money or sanity-saving tips, I’d love to hear them!  Drop them here or tweet me @BannedBrooke!

Lessons in Diversity with Ross Gellar

When I was in elementary school, I took to watching early 90s television shows with my mom when she’d let me stay up.  During the Friends episode where we find out Ross’ wife Carol is a lesbian, I asked my mother what it meant to be someone’s lesbian life partner.  At seven, this felt like a pretty regular conversation.

The next day, we had the following dialogue:

Me: Do you know what I don’t want to be when I grow up?

Mom: What?

Me: I don’t think I want to be both a ballerina and an oncologist.  I think I just want to dance.

My mother obviously was not distressed about my future career choices.  (That did not happen until much later when I studied English in college and wanted to join Teach for America.  That’s another story.)  We went about our afternoon as planned, which probably meant we danced in the living room and she helped me struggle through my Hooked on Phonics.

A few days after that, our little family unit was at the dinner table eating spaghetti.  My step-father had just gotten home from a business trip.  The conversation began again while I twirled my pasta:

Me: Hey, Mike, want to know what I don’t want to be when I grow up?

Mike: Sure. What?
(Wait for it.)

Me: I don’t think I want to be someone’s lesbian life partner.

The last bite he had taken flew right back out of his mouth and the coughing began.  My mother, on the other hand, thought this was fine.  She thought it was only logical that I’d weighed potential options after learning about them but decided it wasn't for me.

Years later, I learned it wasn't quite that easy.  For some people, sexuality is fluid.  The people you fall for aren't always the people you expect. Things will happen that will cause you to call into question what you thought you knew about yourself.  (For a great movie that tackles this, I recommend Kissing Jessica Stein.  It’s hysterical, and who doesn't love Jennifer Westfeldt?)

Maybe this particular example doesn't resonate with you, and that's okay.  All the same, something tells me there are likely certain attributes about a significant other you've had that have surprised you, even if they don't have to do with gender.  It's the same gist.  We’re constantly working to understand ourselves and how we fall into place with others and the larger context we operate in.  

I was lucky to grow up in a home where I could be anyone or anything that made sense to me.  As fate would have it, I have two left feet and those dreams of dancing were far flung.  Instead, I’m a person of faith that started a high school Gay/Straight Alliance many moons ago, interned at a GLBT Center in graduate school, and led ally trainings at a university for faculty and staff.  It doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it works for me. 

Life comes full circle.  I have a sister that’s fourteen years younger than me.  During a visit home when she was about the same age I was during the Friends incident, I happened to be in the kitchen while my she and my mom watched Glee in the next room.  There was a scene where two boys kissed and my sister verbally expressed some shock and discomfort. 

Mom: Brooke, how about you come in here and talk to your sister about this?

Me: Okay.  Let’s talk about what you saw.  Let’s talk about how it made you feel.  But let’s also talk about how those two guys would feel if they heard your reaction…

When we’re talking to youth, we’re leaving lasting impressions.  We can help shape a child to be loving and respectful, or we can teach a child it’s okay to discriminate.  I'll never tell someone what to believe, but I will argue that we should all be able to coexist peacefully, regardless of whether others share our particular set of values or beliefs.

How have you had successful conversations about diversity issues with the youth in your own life?  What messages resonate with you from your own childhood?  I'm far from being a parent, so I'm curious.

Why Banned Brooke?

Originally, I was going to start a book review blog that focused entirely on banned books.  During my youth, I fancied myself to be a rebellious budding intellectual.  It’s laughable now, but at the time I thought I was doing something particularly illicit if I spent my Friday nights reading books that other people had deemed controversial.  I was lucky to be brought up in a home where my family encouraged my reading and trusted my ability to discern whether or not something was truly inappropriate.  Thus, my love affair with authors like Francesca Lia Block, J.D. Salinger, and Margaret Atwood began. 

The reason that I loved those authors so much was because they opened up dialogue around real issues.  They didn't shy away from the important subjects that are so stigmatized most people are afraid to speak about them.  (If you can remember reading Go Ask Alice because you didn't trust your school’s D.A.R.E. program for information about drugs and addiction, you probably know what I mean here.) 

Banned authors also embraced characters from marginalized populations that we don’t hear from enough in literature.  I’m all for the canon we read in school and hold an appropriate level of reverence for the dead white men that wrote it, but I want a more diverse selection of authors  and characters to find their place beside those I've been readily exposed to my whole life.  (That’s not to say dead white men aren't also diverse.  For example, let’s not forget that Oscar Wilde went to trial due to his relationships with other men.  But we’ll talk more about intersectionality and identity later.)

I’d like to think that here on the web, I can do something similar to what those banned authors did for me and so many others.  I’m hoping to create a space that’s safe for sharing ideas no matter who you are.  Regardless of your race, religion, gender expression, or sexual orientation, I want this to be an uplifting place for you. 

Maybe you’re a teacher that wants to make your classroom bookshelf more affirming of GLBT students?  If so, I’ve got some age-appropriate suggestions for you.  Maybe you’re someone that’s coming out of a tough time?  I’ve got poems for you to read, songs for you to listen to, and insights from others I’d like to pay forward.  Maybe you’re just bored on the web.  If that’s you, I've definitely got you covered.                                                                                                                                                               

Pull up a chair, crack open your drink, and let’s talk.  Use the comments to tell me what’s important to you.  I can have one sided conversations with myself without a blog—so don’t be afraid to speak up!  You can also tweet me at @BannedBrooke.