I’ve been a negligent blogger. Days after creating this site, my partner in
crime proposed that we do life together.
Planning a wedding quickly became a time intensive priority. Now that a good hunk of that has been taken
care of, I’m back to our regularly scheduled programming and am excited to share
some things that I think might make your life easier if you find yourself in
the same boat. After the Supreme Court
decision last week made same-sex marriage legal nation-wide, I imagine those
numbers will be jumping up—and I’m excited to celebrate that, too.
The good news:
Engagement is a time to celebrate your love with all of those in your life that
have helped support it and see it grow. From
the first phone call to tell your family or friends to the walk down the aisle,
the memories you’ll make both with your partner and your larger support system
are overwhelming in the best possible way.
You’ll grow closer to your partner and learn more about them on a wholly
different level than you have before, because planning for a lifetime requires
honesty and vulnerability. You have an
excuse to do things that normally might seem indulgent—like sample cake from
every bakery in a drivable radius if you so choose and take an obnoxious amount
of pictures where you do the sappy things you might normally tease other people
for doing on Facebook. During the
engagement period, you get a free pass.
This is also a time to further explore who you are and what that means
for your partnership. If you live alone,
this is likely the last time you’ll have this much space and time flying
solo. As an independent woman and an
introvert, I’m using that opportunity to wrap my head around what I need to
maintain in terms of autonomy while still learning to love selflessly.
The bad news:
Because people want to support you and often do so by way of offering advice,
people will project their own experiences and expectations onto you not
realizing that the “one size fits all” mentality doesn’t work with things like
weddings and marriage. It’s often with
good intention, but sometimes you have to learn what to take to heart and what
to toss to the side. Society at large
also has a way of looming large over plans.
I think if you’re at all familiar with women’s television programming,
Pinterest, or The Knot, you’ll likely know what I mean. Those expectations can drain both your
emotional resources and your bank account if you let them. More on fighting that later.
My unsolicited advice for maintaining sanity, by way of
anecdotes (take what you need, leave the rest):
Think about what
grounds your union and share that with attendees. If it’s spirituality, make sure that’s
reflected in your ceremony. If it’s
something else, emphasize what that something is for you. Mr. Banned-to-Be and I are from different
faith traditions that both fall under the banner of Christianity and decided
together to have a Catholic ceremony.
While I’m not Catholic, there are some things about our ceremony that we
have still been able to really bond over.
For us, one of those things was the Prayers of the Faithful. We chose to write a prayer that focuses on
things we both believe in deeply—including hopes for a more equitable education
system for our youth and improved race relations in our country via all of us
learning to better love our neighbors of all identities. A friend of mine that met her partner while
studying environmental sociology recently had a ceremony where an emphasis on
sustainability was weaved throughout from their diamond-free rings to the
plants given as wedding gifts. Your
wedding is about your partnership, but your partnership is made up of the
things you and your partner hold to be true and meaningful.
Cut costs by choosing
not to spend money on the traditions that don't resonate with you. Flowers are beautiful, but I prefer to
see them outside instead of on my table.
As such, my bridesmaids and I aren’t carrying bouquets. I’ll be carrying a book of poems I already
had instead, playing off of the tradition of carrying prayer books or a
Bible. That’s easily hundreds of dollars
chopped off the top. If something
doesn’t speak to you, don’t let your wallet yell at you because of it. Replace traditions that don’t feel right to
you with things that you’ll remember later.
What is sacred to you
is just business to someone else.
People have found ways to monetize your romance. People you’ve never met will fill your head
with grandiose ideas about your attire, fondue fountains, or whatever else it
is that they may be selling that will distract from what's important. It’s okay
for you to shut them down at the pass.
At David’s Bridal, when my consultant began by trying to tell me about
how brides could open up a credit line, I told her very firmly, “I appreciate
you doing your job and telling me what you’ve been asked to tell me, but I do
not wish to hear more because I will not be pursuing that as an option. I want
to stick to something within a set budget.
As such, please do not show me any dresses over $x.00 amount of
money.” I have found that people will
generally work with you and will tell you up front if you can’t, saving you the
time and energy. The same thing applies
to friends and family. If you need shopping partners, give them a run down on
what you will consider in advance and what your vision is so that they are on the same page.
Repurpose what you
already have. Mr. Banned-to-Be and I
enjoy visiting wineries and learning more about different grapes and
regions. As such, we regularly find
ourselves in possession of wine bottles and wine corks. I’m using those to create our centerpieces
and will only have to buy a few things to finish pulling off the look.
An open mind will
save you money. If you are wedded to
the idea of things being just a certain way, pun intended, there’s less
possibility to pench pennies. (Not to
imply that there’s anything bad about knowing what you want!) I went to multiple bridal stores to find my
wedding dress, which was fun until it was frustrating. While running errands at the mall, I happened
to pass a prom/evening gown store that was having a liquidation sale. There was a white dress in the window. It wasn’t my style, but it made me wonder if
there was anything inside worth looking at.
Low and behold, I locked eyes across the room with the dress I’ll be
wearing down the aisle. It isn’t a
conventional wedding dress, but it’s elegant and it fits my personality in a
way that other dresses did not. Bonus—it
was also a lot less expensive. Something
similar happened with our wine. While at
a grocery store, we picked up a bottle of a wine we enjoy for an upcoming beach
trip on a whim. At the register, it rang
up for only $3.00—less than half the regular cost of the wine. We had the same thought—let’s go ransack the
shelf for every bottle that they have. There was only enough for a little over
a case because they had decided to not to carry the company anymore, but that
was a case we didn’t have to worry about paying for full price later on.
If you have any money or sanity-saving tips, I’d love to hear them! Drop them here or tweet me @BannedBrooke!
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